Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
