Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
