I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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