its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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