There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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