tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
