I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
