It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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