My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
