My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
