I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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