everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
