Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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