You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
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Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
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Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.