People in love make me want to vomit
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
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Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
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Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?