Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
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god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
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Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.