thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
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You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
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next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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