i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
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I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
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oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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