Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm too high and old for this...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
