someone threw a dead crab at me
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
