saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
