shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
