I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
