im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
