problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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