There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
