so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
