thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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