He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
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No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
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So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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