Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
