he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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