The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
