dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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