is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
