his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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