Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
