Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
