Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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