I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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