She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
