ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
