I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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