so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
