he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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