That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
