a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
