I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
