I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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