he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
