hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
love makes seman taste better
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
it glows. i had to have it.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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