Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
