Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
