This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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