He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
