I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
