i think my tv is drunk
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
