There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I looked at my own cervix.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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