Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
