a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
