He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
